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Firstly, 28th December 2014 is a special date in my heart, it was the day I found my big brother's grave who passed away in his sleep at 3 months old. Now known as SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) back then it was called cot death. So, when I arrived home afterwards I knew I wanted to do something, and as we (me and Rebecca) had already chatting to a few other parents in groups we had joined. I never really checked in, as it was very much comparing pain and grief. It was in act very overwhelming and at times heartbreaking to read. As it was clear back then babies born under 16 weeks were simply not classed as 'babies' and people (society) did not think that parents felt heartache too. As a mum who has lost her babies at different stages of pregnancy with Harry we were both mortified reading them. We knew we had to give all our babies a voice equally, and what better way while educating society with a National Day of Remembrance for Pregnancy & Infant Loss.
On this day in our hearts all children who had died regardless of their age, or time they breathed air were loved, and wanted, by parents who from the moment they knew they were pregnant were filled with everlasting love. As there and then they became parents.
10 years there is so much to say and share, yet the one thing that has been there but not forgotten is a national day of remembrance, 15th October Campaign. After spending the last 5 years supporting 'dressed with dignity' and seeing the difference it makes has helped me heal on my journey, and also ask those difficult questions to ensure parents could make magical memories with Handmade with Love & Making Memories. This Christmas Eve/Day early hours we had request for a full burial box by a dad. I knew the perfect crib and special burial box, but my heart sank as it always will when I hear the little one's age would be the same or close to Jonathan's. I had to dig deep for strength while day dreaming on Christmas Day, in my head I was already packing this little boy's special box. But I also knew I needed to focus on family today too, my angel mum role would start later when I got home. I am so glad I had the time away, as my head was clear to chat with Dad and explain things in more detail. Also, let him know that he could register his little boy online with his partner.
(Crib below: Handmade with love and care by our Volunteer, and friend Pamela Giselle Bolan.
So, when I reflect back I know our goal was to give little ones a voice as we say their names, share because we care and so many have supported baby loss week, each year more and more awareness is created which is phenomenal. But, I also believe it needs to have the day where the focus is on them and saying their names, honouring their short but loved time with a beating heart. A day where as a country we have 1 minute silence to honour them all equally, share how they are ALL loved and remembered,, Which more and more are now doing, 10 years ago this was not out there for every parent, and we like to think together as families we have all played a part in memory of our babies, helping to create more awareness, dressed with dignity, and supporting bereaved families, on a more personal and one to one engaging.
Baby Loss is not black and white, and we ALL try to share this. The only thing that is black and white is we ALL Loved and Wanted each of our babies and, or children. Love we all know can not be measured, and whether your child lives or dies it does not stop you loving them, wanting them, being angry, learning to heal, and above all else learning to live in the world without them. Baby, Child Loss is unthinkable, let alone indescribable. The last 10 years we have met parents from across all over the world and shared, chatted, who connected with other parents, at events or Angelversary's, special days. It became a place to share, ask for advice, guidance, and over the years we have had the privilege of being on Rainbow journeys too. All as volunteer's, all as families who would not stay silent to please others anymore. We share to educate, honour, and help others know they are not alone on this journey, and as parents have choices, and decisions to make, most of all take your time together first to discuss, communicate together.
There are some wonderful books that can guide you, but grief is individual just like your baby or child's DNA. But we have to own our grief, want to get through the next day, week, year without them. At Angel Parents in the first 5 years we would have monthly LIVE chats and it was good for the soul. We had a great teacher that always brought laughter, heartfelt laughter to the chats, and often debates. But it was building a community, and it is great when the page is quiet but worrying as you know there are people you know may be struggling, so you jump on and let them know you are thinking of them. Being ourselves the last 10 years is what has got us all through, past and present Admin, which I know from experience that it has brought comfort to others too. Our Admin, who are all volunteer's shared from their hearts, all of us hoping that our voices were enough to help create awareness, the answer is a million %. Every single day for the last 10 years thank you, and we all sign up to do our children proud up there, and because we truly do care. We do it our way..... and that is what works for us as a team, family, community.
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