Hey There

                                      It is the first time I have ever shared how I felt about losing out daughter. Not sure how to start but just like my personality I also have to find a way of taking a negative and looking for the positive. It helps with mental health and also inspires me to get up and face each day since our daughter died. They say that Covid was one of the worst things that happened to us in recent times but for me it was one of the most magical times, as this is when I met Sami. During lockdown we had met online and talked for hours and hours, she was the other side of the world yet we both had so much in common, and we clicked. We chatted for hours on end, video messaged, face timed and it was like it was meant to be. I know it is like something out of the movies, but I had honestly fallen in love. One lockdown had ended, and all the restrictions lifted everything inside of me told me to go for it, and I did. I booked my ticket and flew from Belfast to the USA.

​

Time passed and we had spent so much time together planning a future, dreaming of a future that Sami began to show signs of being pregnant. We were both over the moon and I cannot remember a time that my life felt so complete. It was like winning the lottery over and over. We began planning, every single detail and weeks passed by. We protected this little bump that had started to grow and just when we began to breathe again and start enjoying our little one. One afternoon Sami had gone into work, and as I was a visitor I would pop in eat, drink, and wait for her to finish her shift. She came over to chat and didn’t look so good, I asked her how she was and she said she had cramps and didn’t feel right. She had also started to bleed heavily and later that day it was confirmed that she had miscarried the baby.

It felt like our whole world cam crashing down, and to be honest it truly had. I have never been so protective of anyone as I was of Sami. Anger, heartache a pain that was and to be honest still is today hard to describe. As week passed, we believed our little one deserved a name, Sami choose Remi and we both agreed on Rose. Remi Rose our precious little girl that had gone on before us. Every year we honour her heavenly birthday we do cupcakes to celebrate, and her big brother Aiden will release a balloon in her memory. Both Remi’s mum and I carry our families tattoo mine on my chest and Samie’s on her arm.

​

I have struggled with the loss of Remi; some days are good, and some days are pretty shit. But I have learnt to use the bad days to channel in mindfulness and using my energy to support others. It has and still is today helping me heal. I fundraise, and raise awareness regarding baby loss, and I consider it such an honour to have been trusted with 100 precious act of kindness packs with babies and children’s names on them who had sadly passed away and took them to Niagara Falls to share and help create awareness. It was actually one of our directors’ dreams and so I was honoured to make this happen for 100 families. I am not going say it was plain sailing I was a nervous wreck, making sure they remained in good condition, and also, I contacted the local Police and Mayor to explain what I was doing and was welcomed with open arms. The day Luanne & Harry are campaigning for is actually a National Day of Remembrance in Canada, it was beautiful, and I will carry that privilege for a long time.

​

So, today I start my next big challenge, and I am so honoured to be doing so and that is taking APUK and Angel Dads to Northern Ireland and setting up support for families within our community. This August I start my Bereavement Counselling Level 3 to support more dads in the community and Northern Ireland. Not only in my Remi’s memory but also so many other dads, unless, brothers, and grandads who have experienced the loss of a baby or child. Within the football team I play for there are at least 3 of us who have been affected by the loss of a baby or child. It is more common than we realise, and I want to help give dads a voice and support them on their journey. I have received such amazing support from the team and my local community, as well as the Admin Team across Handmade with Love and Angel Parents UK & Worldwide. and also at APUK and HMWLMM, not just as an Angel Dad but as an admin, as I think sometimes, we all doubt ourselves. When in fact the greatest thing one bereaved parent can give another is their time. Time to listen and time to care,. And time to share.